Sex and Sexuality Within MOVE: The Testimony of Maria Hardy

 From Maria Hardy (born in MOVE as Maria Africa): I wrote this paper during my third semester at Goddard college for my sexuality studies course. At the time, I had never imagined that I would be releasing this publicly, due to the fact that MOVE has strict rules about talking to “System people”/anyone outside of the cult about what occurs inside. This was my first time ever writing about my experience, as well as my first time ever confiding in someone (my professor at the time) about some of the atrocities that have occurred in the cult. 

For my entire childhood, I grew up in a very patriarchal and misogynistic cult-like environment, and from a young age, I watched as young women were coerced into marriages, and began bearing children as soon as they started menstruating. Young girls were not allowed much of a childhood or given the freedom to explore their own wants, needs, and desires during their teenage years. By very early ages, pre-adolescent girls were already of the understanding that there was only one option for their lives; To marry a man within the cult and immediately begin popping out babies, devoting all of their time and attention to taking care of a family that they frankly, did not have much of a say in creating. They instilled an intense fear of the outside world and everything in it, making them believe that if they chose to venture outside of the small world that the group had created for them, they would be met with unimaginable, yet “justifiable” (because they dared to venture outside of the “the bubble” that is the group) suffering and abuse from the outside world. Girls were taught that feminism, critical thinking, education, being independent, and having sex solely for pleasure is all (for women) “sinful behavior” that would be met with consequences. Likewise, these young girls were told that if they have sex with multiple partners, they are a “whore”, and will inevitably contract STDs or get pregnant by a man who will abandon and or abuse them. 

In keeping with such behaviors within the cult, there was also no form of sex education within the group, and earlier on, birth control of any form was not an option. If sex was ever discussed outside the parameters of procreation, it was all about the men, “Taking care of their needs”. Sexual pleasure seemed to be something that was entirely off the table for women. The lack of sex education and the male-centered attitude toward sexuality meant that women and girls within the group had little to no knowledge about their bodies, and were discouraged from exploring their sexuality. Things like oral sex and especially female masturbation were especially taboo and completely frowned upon. A part of me truly thinks that both the group leaders and the men/husbands were afraid that if the young women became aware of their birth control options and were able to please themselves sexually, it would make it more difficult for them to be kept quiet, controlled, and completely reliant on them. 

As a child, being home-schooled under the supervision of the organization, I did not have any sex education classes, so when I was coming of age I would read whatever materials I could get my hands on. When I was twelve years old, one of my friends, a girl three years older than me, was secretly seeing a young man who was not a member of the organization. I remember her sneaking off (yes, she had to sneak because this was forbidden in the organization) to Planned Parenthood to obtain birth control. She brought back handouts on sexual health, reproduction, contraception, Sexually Transmitted Infections, puberty, and how to take care of your body; all things that were utterly taboo in the organization. I studied those materials avidly and researched whatever I could with the limited privacy and internet access.

Had it not been for my father making sure that I got somewhat of an education and always encouraging me to think critically, I too would most likely be married and have two to three children by now. Growing up within this toxic and controlling environment, I internalized some of its toxic beliefs, and for years, I carried an enormous amount of guilt, especially when it came to my own sexuality. 

Around this time, at the age of fifteen, I started dating another member of the community, someone around my age whom I had grown up with. He was one of my best friends, and I could tell that he viewed me as an equal  (which was not the case for many men in the group). We were young, and getting to know ourselves and each other both physically and emotionally. I was trying not to overthink things and just let things flow, but the fear that the group would eventually try to enact their beliefs, and insist we get married, did not leave my mind for a second. Remember, the group believed in male-female union for the purposes of procreation alone, and this made it difficult for me to ever really be truly present, and actually enjoy my first teenage relationship. True to form, the leadership of the organization, who ironically enough was made up of a group of women, eventually began aggressively encouraging us to get married, and with that, I immediately ended the relationship. The resulting fallout was that the group’s leadership was furious with my decision to end the relationship and their anger grew even more forceful when they discovered that I later started talking to boys who were not in the organization, these adult members began slut-shaming me and urging my mother to force me into marriage, which luckily, she refused. 

Growing up in an environment where nearly everyone I knew shared the aforementioned oppressive and manipulative beliefs, I often felt alone and sometimes questioned my own instincts which told me those beliefs and practices were wrong and harmful. When I finally went to high school outside of the community for twelfth grade, I then started learning more about feminism, and finally, for the first time, I felt that I had a real opportunity to one day escape the hell that I was born into. I knew that by doing so, I would also set an example for other girls in the community, to show that it is possible to live a life full of pleasure, independence, and freedom (to the extent that we can be free while still living in, as bell hooks says, “a white cis heteropatriarchal society” until we overthrow that system none of us will experience true freedom)  and all of the other things that are supposed to be exclusive to men according to the guidelines of the organization. 

The feminism that I first learned about at school was, for the most part, white feminism (feminism that solely caters to those who identify as white women and ignores the plight of other marginalized groups) and white feminist texts. Fast forward a couple years later, I started reading Black feminist texts such as ‘Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power’ by Audre Lorde, in the essay Lorde describes the erotic as “A resource within each of us that lies in a deeply female and spiritual plane, firmly rooted in the power of our unexpressed or unrecognized feeling”. This essay affirmed my interest in studying Black female sexuality in an academic setting as well as engaging and coming face to face with my own sexuality on a more personal level. Lorde’s words inspired this passage that I wrote during my first semester at Goddard, it is written on behalf of myself and in solidarity with the women who suffered within the group, as well as women around the world who are oppressed every day - “We are women. That does not mean that it is our life’s duty to procreate or provide sexual satisfaction to men. Our wombs are under no contract, and we don’t owe society or men a damn thing. We have our own wants, needs, and desires that we have every right to explore and act upon. We have ideas and opinions that are valid. We have skills, abilities, and minds that are viable, and have the ability to do great things. Being told from a young age that your body does not belong to you, that the sole purpose of your existence on this earth is to satisfy men and procreate with them is beyond damaging -- this distorts one's relationship to their body and leaves everlasting scars. I suppose that’s part of the plan -- to belittle us and convince us of your narrow-minded ideas of who we are and what our purpose is. They think that if they can strip us of our identity, and beliefs, it’ll be easier to implant their own. Feminism isn’t a trend. Feminism is necessary. Women and girls are dying, falling victim to rape, and other forms of insidious abuse, this has been the case for centuries -- instead of seeing this as an urgent issue that must be addressed, and done away with completely, as a society most people have become immune to it, accepting it as the norm, seeing no need for change. Why is it too much to demand that our sisters stop falling victim to these vicious attacks, both mental and emotional? Constantly devaluing people, convincing them that their worth as a human being lies in their ability to please others, and treating our bodies as public property/ commodity is criminal”. 

My queerness is another part of my identity that I was not allowed to explore openly, and was staunchly forbidden within the group. From a fairly young age, it was something that I was hyper-aware of and knew that I had to keep secret. Homophobia ran rampant in the group, similar to some people who were raised in conservative Christian homes, I was taught that homosexuality was one of the greatest sins and that you would undoubtedly suffer both in life and death if you were in any way gay/queer. The guilt and shame associated with this haunted me for several years, and when I grew older, it caused me to rush into sexual relationships with men in order to convince myself that I was straight, and in my distorted mind, believe that the sex I was having with these cis men would somehow rid me of all other sexual desires, and at some point convinced myself that I was straight. 

During my final year of high school, I felt comfortable enough to confide in one of my mentors at school, she was openly queer and also came from a very strict religious community that she escaped in going to college. This was the first time in my entire life that I had the courage to admit to anyone (even myself) that I am in fact queer and decided that I was done lying to myself, at the very least, but telling my mentor also gave me the courage to tell my father.  I think my father knew long before I told him, but knew that I would not be accepted by the group that I was, at the time, still very involved with. He saw the way that the group treated children and adults who they suspected of being gay, he knew that in the past they had threatened people with acts of violence and mental abuse, witnessing that, in addition to various other forms of abuse and wrong-doing, caused him to eventually cut all ties with the organization. Telling my father was, in some ways, a safety measure, because I knew that he would not let them hurt me. I am lucky to have my father, and aware of the fact that there are many people who could not escape the violence and many whose lives were taken away at the hands of people with the same beliefs as the people I grew up fearing. 

At this point, as an adult young woman, I have greater access to resources that go beyond the surface level of sex education. I am studying queer theory and broadening my understanding of gender. It is my goal to continue learning and expanding my knowledge of these very important topics as a means to liberate myself and aid in the liberation of all oppressed people. Through studying sexuality and reading texts by radical women of color, I have gained insight, language, and courage to tell my story and begin to unlearn the internalized self-hatred, sexism, and misogyny that has been embedded in me from childhood by the organization and the larger society.

This is my first time sharing this information with anyone outside of the community, so there are some things that I have experienced and witnessed during my time in the organization that I am still not comfortable revealing. However, the experiences, beliefs, and practices that governed my daily life, in addition to the ones that I have shared, are the reason I have decided to join the Sexuality Studies Concentration at Goddard College. The fact that Goddard prioritizes self-directed learning is one of the reasons that I chose to pursue my undergraduate degree at the institution, self-directed learning is what I am most familiar with.

From L to R: Pam Africa, Theresia Africa, Maria Hardy, Alberta Africa, Sue (Ria) Africa, Maiga Milbourne, Ramona Africa

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