Saturday, August 7, 2021

Now I Can Breathe: A Statement by Rain Robbins (formerly Rain Africa)

Rain Robbins was born into MOVE as Rain Africa. She was a third-generation MOVE member from the line of Mo and Mary Africa. 

Let me ask you a question….

Have you ever had a conversation with God? I know people who have. I know people who stood on trial with him. He was god and Jesus all in one. The only being in this human form to truly know the will of Momma (Mother Nature and the universe). Have you ever been so close to divinity that sitting in a house in West Philadelphia reading “Guidelines” to a group of your peers rivaled listening to the Pope lead prayer in Rome’s most beautiful cathedral? Have you ever held the last true remnants of the real gospel in your hands? Words so powerful they’d bring the world to its feet? ….I have. Have you ever sat at your elders' feet and listened to them recount the moment they'd seen the light? They were at the brink of death fighting seen and unseen demons and then they were saved. Have you ever thought “If I worked as hard as them maybe I’d find peace in my mind?!” I was told to be fortunate to have been born into the chosen group. God’s favorites. 


Now, what if that was a lie? What if the purest people washed clean of humanity’s sins or “violations,” the same people who raised you turned out to be the reason you wanted to die? The reason you never had a chance to breathe your first breath to begin with?


Life hit me like a bucket of cold water at 17. I was unhappy and adulthood was coming towards me fast. 


For so long I was two different people: Rain Africa and Rain Robbins. Rain Africa was determined, strong, and outspoken. She had the body built for bearing children into the revolution (something that Sue AKA “Ria” Africa told me often growing up) and a way with words that if refined would rival Mumia Abu Jamal (something often affirmed by older members of MOVE when I was asked to write speeches that were finely combed over by those same people). She wasn’t afraid to face a crowd of people and she wouldn’t dare show a flaw in front of outsiders. I identify her much the same as the story of young David and Goliath in the Bible. She wielded the teaching of John Africa like a sword and MOVE was both her protection blessed by God and Israel for which she’d give her life for… Israel draws most comparison to the fact that it was run by an unfit ruler something she often whispered to her peers. She could be described much like David, “skillful in playing, a man of valor, a warrior, prudent in speech, and a man of good presence; and the Lord is with him."


Unfortunately for Alberta and Sue, the lord almighty wasn’t with me. Instead, it was the drive to soothe my growing discomfort with the life I was living. There was no way I’d ever be content with another person’s idea of the woman I should be. 


Rain Robbins on the other hand was multifaceted, to say the least. She was a high school student and an athlete. She was damn near mute outside of her “Family.” Kept her head in some type of book and her feet in ballet shoes. She craved knowledge of the world and loved finding herself immersed in the pages of those books. She loved One Direction and Paramore. She was a huge feminist, which was only trouble in her male-dominant age group (Note: MOVE kids are lumped into peer groups by Alberta as many times the women would be pregnant at the same time and produced batches of kids rapidly.). She was often depressed and sick suffering from what I now know is a severe case of endometriosis. She had friends. She loved any form of individualism and art. She loved fashion and makeup to the discomfort of other people in the organization for it was systematic and vain. She and her mother were often at odds in blowout arguments that sparked many “Meetings” that attacked the very core of their relationship with MOVE doctrine. This allowed for parental alienation when she would go to Sue and Alberta about these issues. She cried at the drop of a dime and had a wild temper, something that was unacceptable in MOVE. Too many flaws… Too much personality and individuality. She was too “Systematic.”


She kept her life in the cult closely guarded and separate from her tiny window to the outside world, because at any point she was either gonna have to relinquish it all to be the perfect MOVE wife and mother to the young man she was manipulated into being with or continue her education (an education her mother fought Alberta and Sue on years earlier to receive and was ostracized harshly for having) in order to serve the organization in the same ways her Aunt Pam and Aunt Ramona had. Nothing in her life was just for her, everything was to serve MOVE’s mission. She would no longer have the little autonomy she cherished and the dreams she dreamt would have to be tucked away for the greater good of the world. 


It seems like the age-long question of duty over passion, doesn’t it? Everyone has that point where they have to choose between the life their parents want and the one they choose, right? Unfortunately for those in MOVE the choice is too often framed as life or death. MOVE’s way or The System. If I followed my own conscience I’d surely die in the system, but if I stayed in MOVE I’d be utterly unhappy. All I knew was that no matter what I’d have to be happy. I wouldn’t survive 17 more years unhappy. I’d have to carve a place for myself that invited love and not pain. Thankfully for me, the choice was made for me.


It started late one November evening in 2017, my maternal system grandmother had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She had mere months to live. At this point, I’d been juggling dance training, my impending graduation from the cyber school, and a year-old relationship with a young man in MOVE that I’d most likely marry within a few years. Instead of finding the support from many of my “family” that you’d expect from such a “love” driven cult, I found nothing but scrutiny and hypocrisy. I, like so often before in my life, had been villainized for not giving enough into the cult, yet I emotionally had no more of me to give as I helped my parents care for my grandmother in her last days. I was crumbling and no one could see. Could I blame them? We were never taught to understand and articulate such complex emotions. We would be seen as weak if we tried. I was told by Alberta on the same day of her passing how weak and selfish I was for mourning her.  A woman who tried so hard to save her daughter and grandchildren from MOVE would never see the moment I checked out. I began to board up this big heart of mine to MOVE people and learn to let others in. I found comfort in the people I was told to mistrust. My grandmother would never see me flourish in the way she’d always hoped and I can only hope she’s proud of the young woman I am today. I carry her compassion with me always.


It’s weird to think how my mentality snowballed so fast. I was never a dumb person, just blind and naïve to the world. I so desperately wish it was a light bulb moment, but the teachings slowly stopped adding up and the pedestals I held people on fell like Atlantis sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I learned that becoming an adult meant putting these childish notations of fighting Goliath away. This led me into a deep depression that had me not only attempt suicide but crave death. That was the beginning of my mental departure from the grasps of MOVE and over the past 5 or so years I’ve come to have many long nights of reflection, hard conversations, and anxiety attacks over the truth about how I was raised and the abuse I suffered. Trauma is trauma and I can no longer be gaslit into a narcissist’s daydream instead of my own truth. Growing pains never hurt as bad as learning to trust a world you were taught to fear. 


Like most 21-year-olds I’m still trying to find out the person I am and who I want to be. I’ve slowly but surely distanced myself from the leaders of the cult and many active members over the past few years allowing myself to actually breathe in a way I never have before. I’ve learned I find myself no longer relating to Rain Africa in the same way I did before because that wasn’t me. That was a character and I was just the actress cast in that role.


As time goes on I hope to share more of my time in MOVE and find as much closure as humanly possible. I can only express my own experiences and live my own truth. My childhood feels bittersweet, but mostly bitter nowadays. There are things that happened that shouldn’t have. I still have so much love for many people engulfed in that life and I love my parents with every bone in my body… they all raised me the only way they knew how, but I want to shake the feelings of hopelessness. For so long I craved the unity promised in MOVE, but I learned that I have to gain unity in my own soul first to ever be content in life. So long as my identity is split and edited as much as it was growing up I’ll never find rest in this lifetime. 


Maybe now I can not only breathe, but sigh a sigh of relief. I am just me… Rain. Finally.


Rain Africa/Rain Robbins as a kid
Rain Robbins now




1 comment:

  1. Looks like you have a place in the literary world. An excellent read.....Great writing.

    ReplyDelete